When you find yourself in a bit of a funk what do you do?
Especially when you look back and realise you have been fighting this feeling
for a while now, occasionally allowing it to show, but mostly trying to make it
stay hidden so nobody knows, or so you don’t affect other people’s day. You
feel down, sad and withdrawn, but can’t pinpoint why. You can’t even articulate
how you are feeling really, and you spend your time worrying that you are the
only one who has days, weeks, or even months like this. That’s me at the
moment.
I have spent the past few days in a world of indifference,
unable to motivate myself, just wanting to hide away, for no particular reason.
The more I try to pull myself out of this feeling, the more I try to convince
myself there is no reason for this behaviour, and the more I try to search for
the reason for this lull, the deeper I seem to go. To the point I now feel
shattered and want to cry. OK so I have a few reasons to be low I guess,
including the current world pandemic, the reason I need to still isolate away,
and the fact we lost a close family member recently. Yet I don’t think it is
totally those things. Don’t get me wrong, losing my husband’s Nana has been
hard, as has the isolation and lock down, but I can see and feel more positives
than negatives for all those situations. For instance, Nana is no longer in the
crippling pain that she has been for as long as I have known her (nearly 2 decades),
and the lock down has given me more quality time with the children and my
husband each day. The children are even getting along well, seeking each other
out to share in their fun and activities. So why am I so unsure of myself? So
close to heaving sobs and the urgent need for a huge cuddle and to sleep?
I know, I know, I need to find mindful activities that I can
lose myself in, allowing my mind and emotions to level out again and repair.
Yet despite increasing my exercise, changing it up so I am challenging myself,
and focusing on some crochet projects, I still find myself here, pondering,
unsure what is going wrong and where I need to make adjustments to just be. I
giggle along with the family when they are playing a game, or remembering some
memory, or watching a comedy on the TV. It’s not that I am not enjoying life,
or that I think I am depressed. I think it’s more a lack of motivation. I find
I can’t be bothered. What is the point? What is the point of the mundane daily
activities like washing my hair, doing some housework, or even cooking meals?
We all must do these daily activities, I know, and truly don’t want to avoid doing
them, but I can’t get out of my head the question of why. Is this a symptom of
my funk…or is it the cause?
I have my degree to be working on, wading my way through the
many maths problems, discovering the many ways of performing one calculus problem.
I also have a crochet order due tomorrow, several works in progress (WIPs) I
could pick up, and plenty of books to occupy my mind. So, I’m not un-stimulated,
bored, or even unoccupied. I can even go for a nice walk in the countryside as
I please because it is on my doorstep, but with the chronic illnesses causing
reactions when I’m in the sunlight too long, and this feeling of being stuck in
a funk, I am fighting to find the joy and happiness that I should be feeling.
Every task is being done on autopilot, the hours are just ticking by, and I go
to bed feeling unproductive, and bad for still feeling this way.
Sorry for this post, I’m sure it’s not what anyone wants to
spend their time reading. I keep telling myself there is no reason for me being
this way, I should be out doing something to remind me of the feelings of joy,
the gratitude of production, and the fulfilment of making someone’s day. I know
what needs to be done, and I’m sure I will eventually get there. This cannot
last forever, surely? For now, I’m going to give my mind the rest it needs (I
guess), and I’m going to try to take things hour by hour, day by day. However
let me know if you have periods like this, times when nothing works, times when
you are not particularly sure what is going on in your head, you just know you
are…..in a funk.
M
-xx-
